Failure is Experience
Recognize that you will spend much of your life making mistakes. If you can take action and keep making mistakes, you gain experience.
~ John C. Maxwell, Failing Forward
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Calm Your Inner Beast
Have you had that moment? You know the one…you’re trying to keep calm, but someone just keeps pushing your buttons over, and over, and over, until finally, you lose it. You blow a gasket. Your skin begins to flush, you start shaking, and you unleash a verbal storm upon that person and you can’t even think straight?
It’s embarrassing afterward. This is so not like you! Trust me, I have been there. And it isn’t pretty. Most likely, the person who was “pushing your buttons”, wasn’t the cause of your scream-fest which could rival a tired toddler on a good day. So what’s going on? How do these blow-ups happen, and what can we do to calm that inner beast?
David Maxfield, a leading social scientist for business performance, and co-author of New York Times bestsellers Influencers, Crucial Accountability, and Change Anything, recently answered the question of taming a temper with some valuable tips and tricks.
Here is some of what he shared. I highly recommend reading his full post, “How to Tame Your Temper“:
- Forwarned is forearmed: “Knowing up front that someone is going to try to make you angry inoculates you from getting angry.”
- Think about who makes you angry and why?
- Prepare yourself for this-this is your forwarning.
- Go to the Balcony: “Distance yourself from the events that are making you angry.”
- This is not a physical act, it is a mental one: psychological distance
William Ury, cofounder of the Harvard Negotiation Project, calls this strategy “going to the balcony.” Step back from the heat of the moment, distance yourself, rise above it, and watch it objectively as if from a balcony.
- Recognize Your Triggers: “The more we can anticipate our triggers, the more we can prepare positive reactions and avoid blowing up.”
- Begin to recognize your emotions, and identify what is causing them.
- Acknowledge these emotions.
- Think about how you can change your reactions from negative to positive.
- Practice. Practice. Practice.
- Challenge Your Story: “The key insight here is that it’s our story, not the raw facts, that causes us to feel threatened and that generates our strong emotions. And our story is often faulty.”
- Read Mr. Maxwell’s quick overview of how emotions work.
- Ask yourself the two crucial questions he poses:
- Do I have enough facts to be certain my story is true?
- Is there any other, more positive story, that fits this set of facts?
- Re-evaluate your story.
Taming your inner beast takes work, practice, introspection, and some stumbles along the way, but doing so can help you avoid those embarrassing meltdowns.
On Social Learning and Behavioral Cues
Social Learning Theory combines cognitive and behavioral learning theories to posit that we learn both from psychological factors and environmental stimuli.
“Psychologist Albert Bandura integrated these two theories and came up with four requirements for learning: observation (environmental), retention (cognitive), reproduction (cognitive), and motivation (both). This integrative approach to learning was called social learning theory.”
An aspect of this is the cues we read from others. Our brains are hardwired for this from birth. We track posture, eye movement, and body language. As adults, we may learn about how communication is 7% words, 38% tone, and 55% body language; however, even according to researcher Albert Mehrabian, whose work led to these percentages, there is no exact formula, the importance of non-verbal communication is quite clear.
To put this into context with social learning, the interaction we have with others during the learning process can play a big role in our learning. Our brain picks up on these social cues and helps us tune in to the attitude of the person we are working with or learning from. Research has found that the ability to track eye gaze and interpret it, is a crucial component of collaborative learning. Why is this important?
As the video below discusses, when children are put together in small groups they have more opportunity to track information with their eyes. Implicit and explicit learning can take place. This same approach can work with adult learning. Collaborative learning can yield great results in teams or cohorts, or with co-workers.
Take a look at the following video posted by Edutopia to learn a little more.
Kindness is Magic
Kindness is magic. It can create connections, deflate tense conversations, and open up doors that would otherwise be closed.
That doesn’t mean you always like the people you work with; however, when kindness is a core value, you start from a place of good intention, which can quickly change the dynamic of a relationship or a situation.
Choosing to be kind to someone who gets under your skin at work is a mindset that can change your behavior – this is important to how you appear and sound to others (think sarcasm vs. genuine).
In Rebecca Knight‘s Harvard Business Review article, “How to Develop Empathy for Someone Who Annoys You“, she provides some great tips on how to approach a co-worker with empathy. A good start is to observe and try to understand why the co-worker annoys you in the first place. Is it their communication style, the fact that they are always late to meetings, or disruptive in meetings, or never finish their work on time? “Depersonalize the situation” as Knight quotes. Once you figure out the WHY you are bothered, you can figure out how to approach it.
Along with staying calm, being curious, and focusing on your similarities, Knight focuses on being kind:
“The fact is, “it’s easier for you to be empathetic toward people you like because you give them the benefit of the doubt,” McKee says. When dealing with someone you dislike, you often assume the worst, and that mindset shows up in your behavior. Try to short-circuit that reaction and “do or say something that’s surprising and nice,” McKee adds. Compliment the person on an idea they raised in a meeting, or offer to help out with a project. It shouldn’t be forced, however. “It has to be authentic.”’
Read more in her article to learn from case studies and how to approach kindness: https://hbr.org/2018/04/how-to-develop-empathy-for-someone-who-annoys-you
Photo by Robert Baker on Unsplash
It’s OK to Disagree.
The word “conflict” has a negative connotation. It evokes feelings of meanness, rude behavior, struggle, and more. In the workplace, conflict can cause an uncomfortable environment; one where everyone tiptoes on eggshells around each other.
But, this doesn’t have to be the case. In her Harvard Business Review article, “Why We Should Be More Disagreeing at Work,” Amy Gallo states:
Disagreements are an inevitable, normal, and healthy part of relating to other people. There is no such thing as a conflict-free work environment. You might dream of working in a peaceful utopia, but it wouldn’t be good for your company, your work, or you. In fact, disagreements — when managed well — have lots of positive outcomes.
Some of the positive outcomes of a well-managed disagreement include:
- Creativity and improved work products
- Growth and learning
- Better relationships with co-workers
- Increased job satisfaction
- A more inclusive work environment
Some of these outcomes may seem counterintuitive to conflict or disagreements, but as stated above, when they are well-managed – using empathy and respect – the results are a positive, constructive work environment instead of toxic workplace.
Bridging the Gap
There are a host of personality tests out there, from the highly-specific type like the Myers-Briggs to the simplistic Facebook quizzes. They all have one thing in common, getting to know more about yourself and your typical characteristics and style of communicating and interacting with others.
One benefit of these assessments that sometimes falls through the cracks is that through building awareness of yourself, you can begin to identify the styles of others. This awareness of self and others is the foundation of emotional intelligence or EQ. Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence, lays out his crucial competencies of emotional intelligence in his video, Crucial Competence: Emotional and Social Intelligence in Leadership.
As you become more aware of yourself and others, you can more readily identify their styles and characteristics. The next step is to flex your style to the other person’s to bridge the gap. Through bridging the gap, you can make the other person more comfortable. Communication becomes easier and more clear. And a constructive path forward is forged.
The only person you can control is yourself. It is not an easy task, especially when faced with a person who may be on the opposite end of the spectrum, or assessment, as you. But with learning and practice, it can become second nature.
Photo by rawpixel.com on Unsplash
Don’t Fret, Pause
Fret
verb. gerund or present participle: fretting
1. be constantly or visibly worried or anxious. “she fretted about the cost of groceries”
synonyms: worry, be anxious, feel uneasy, be distressed, be upset, upset oneself, concern oneself; More
2. gradually wear away (something) by rubbing or gnawing. “the bay’s black waves fret the seafront”
Fretting causes us to make assumptions. We know where that leads (ass, u, me…we got it). One thing we don’t always realize – because we’re stuck in our own heads, is that this worry, these assumptions, wear away logic.
Anxiety, worry, assumptions, can all affect our health (scientifically proven), our relationships, our ability to move forward, our ability to function.
There’s a good phrase I use to get out of my own head when I notice myself falling into the fret spiral: “Control what you can control, and cope with the rest.”
Pause. Find what you can control (make a list, look for facts, start small) and work on that. Breathe. Repeat. Move forward.
