Have you had that moment? You know the one…you’re trying to keep calm, but someone just keeps pushing your buttons over, and over, and over, until finally, you lose it. You blow a gasket. Your skin begins to flush, you start shaking, and you unleash a verbal storm upon that person and you can’t even think straight?

It’s embarrassing afterward. This is so not like you! Trust me, I have been there. And it isn’t pretty. Most likely, the person who was “pushing your buttons”, wasn’t the cause of your scream-fest which could rival a tired toddler on a good day. So what’s going on? How do these blow-ups happen, and what can we do to calm that inner beast?

David Maxfield, a leading social scientist for business performance, and co-author of New York Times bestsellers Influencers, Crucial Accountability, and Change Anything, recently answered the question of taming a temper with some valuable tips and tricks.

Here is some of what he shared. I highly recommend reading his full post, “How to Tame Your Temper“:

  • Forwarned is forearmed:  “Knowing up front that someone is going to try to make you angry inoculates you from getting angry.”
    • Think about who makes you angry and why?
    • Prepare yourself for this-this is your forwarning.
  • Go to the Balcony:  “Distance yourself from the events that are making you angry.”
    • This is not a physical act, it is a mental one: psychological distance

William Ury, cofounder of the Harvard Negotiation Project, calls this strategy “going to the balcony.” Step back from the heat of the moment, distance yourself, rise above it, and watch it objectively as if from a balcony.

  • Recognize Your Triggers: “The more we can anticipate our triggers, the more we can prepare positive reactions and avoid blowing up.”
    • Begin to recognize your emotions, and identify what is causing them.
    • Acknowledge these emotions.
    • Think about how you can change your reactions from negative to positive.
    • Practice. Practice. Practice.
  • Challenge Your Story: “The key insight here is that it’s our story, not the raw facts, that causes us to feel threatened and that generates our strong emotions. And our story is often faulty.”
    • Read Mr. Maxwell’s quick overview of how emotions work.
    • Ask yourself the two crucial questions he poses:
      • Do I have enough facts to be certain my story is true?
      • Is there any other, more positive story, that fits this set of facts?
    • Re-evaluate your story.

Taming your inner beast takes work, practice, introspection, and some stumbles along the way, but doing so can help you avoid those embarrassing meltdowns.

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Victor Rodriguez

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